It’s been difficult to write a blog post the past couple of weeks. I’ve been overwhelmed with so many feelings of sadness, hopelessness, fear, confusion…. The events that have been unfolding have contributed to this feeling that I’m slipping into a depression of apathy because my mind is starting to tell me that it’s time to protect myself. That’s what I do. It’s a form of protection because I feel like I’m starting to come unglued. Right now, I’m about to start crying just because I’m actually writing these words.
I’m about to take a social media and news break. I can’t believe all of the words of hate, all of the words that are not empathetic in the least, all of the words that say, “systemic racism isn’t real” and “white privilege isn’t a thing.”
I can’t keep trying to conversate with people who will not open their mind to even the possibility that this is real, that systemic racism is real. They don’t want to believe it. I know why – they want to just live in their bubble and tell themselves that these things don’t happen so that they can feel good enough to sleep and continue with their lives. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept well in the past week. Honestly, it’s a wonder that I’m even being productive at work because I feel like I’m just a bundle of nerves and emotions.
I try so hard to be open to conversation and different points of view. I try so hard to see through the other person’s lens. I try hard to ask questions that would challenge the way both sides think. But, it is to no avail. If people aren’t open, how do we even have conversations about difficult topics like racism and abuse?
I was going to do a completely different blog post than the one I have today. But I can’t bring myself to do so. This is what is on my mind right now – not the events of last weekend on a beautiful day.
I watched my friend leave a protest because it was getting dark and things were getting more hostile. She starts to cry as she told me how she was conflicted: should she stay as a peaceful protester and possibly get hurt or arrested? Or should she go home? I told her to go home. When it gets to the point where you are in fear for your safety, you go home. I fully appreciated her going to the protest when it was peaceful. She was there when I couldn’t be. She was there for me. She was there for those she knows and loves who are seen differently because of the color of their skin. She was there as an ally and I love her for it.
Let me be clear: I really hate that there is destruction going on right now. It pains me to see the cities burning and establishments being destroyed. That is not how I would protest, but I understand the underlying feeling of the destruction and people process and act differently. There’s all this rage inside from the constant injustices and you have no other outlet because all of the other outlets were condemned or “not the right way”. I bet everyone is now wishing that the Kaepernick knee was praised more. I know I sure do. The negative and hostile way people reacted to him simply taking a knee was just another stepping stone to how we got to this point. I wish there was tangible change that was coming. I really hope that these events show that there NEEDS TO BE CHANGE. It’s time for a complete overhaul of the judicial system and a deep dive into candidates for positions of power. This needs to STOP.
Now, please don’t misconstrue my words. I know a lot of good people in blue. They are people I trust and that I know I can count on. They are truly protectors of everyone, and I want them to know that I appreciate them. I am scared for them, too. I want the evil ones – the ones who believe their power allows them to be able to do anything they want to anyone, especially POC – to be held accountable, but also to be weeded out from the group. They need to go. It’s time to take this step. It’s time for reform.
I wish this would all stop now. It’s time to be done. To let the dust and ash settle so that we can rise up a phoenix. It’s time we stop so we can put the pieces together – in the right places.
It’s time to stop the hate and it’s time to begin the healing.
It’s also time for me to stop masking my feelings when someone asks me how I’m doing. I’m not ok. I’m not fine. I’m hurting. And I need to own that.
With love,
Curby
CURBY IN THE SEA 